EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sound?  What sound?   Close your ears.  Sing La La La. Maybe it will go away.  Pay no attention to the man standing behind the curtain. He’s just another ghostly apparition trapped in the machine.

But really. What is that eerie, high-pitched noise traveling through the ether?  That strange sonic screech ricocheting around in the cloud? A giant piece of chalk getting scraped across the cosmic blackboard? Ned Beatty reprising the role that seared his image into the nether-realm of the American subconscious (cue the banjoy music please)?

Nah.  That’s just me and the symphonic cacophony of electrons grinding inside my head while I guzzle red bull and no-doze cocktails, trying to stay awake for the big test.   I’m cramming for my new online real estate designation:  eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee -Pro expert.

We’re talking mega-e here.  A virtual vitamin supplement that extends e  exponentially to the 10th degree.  There are already lots of great Realtors out there who have earned their e-Pro credentials. Tech savvy.  Prepared to represent you in the brave new world of all things e.   E-business. E-commerce. E-finance. E -infinitum. E-nauseum.

But with the planet careening madly towards the SINGULARITY – that fateful tipping point when the computing power of all computers finally exceeds that of human brains,  forever changing what it means or doesn’t mean to be human, real estate is getting dragged along in its wake.  I can go kicking and screaming. Or I can get ahead of the e curve.

If you are like me, hardly a day goes by when you don’t get a call from some disembodied voice telling you your channel mix sucks. That your  internet presence is woefully inadequate. That you are missing hundreds of new listings a month because you’re not properly exploiting the benefits of social media.  The consistent message about the medium? Simple.  We’ll never amount to anything without plugging in further.

It takes a strong eeeeeego to survive that kind of onslaught.  And of course, it begs the question. Can today’s standard e-Pro designation possibly be e-nuff?   Is e-savvy adequate?  Or are we just churning out more village idiots for the global village?  Do all of us need to close our eyes and take a bigger quantum leap into the unknown?  Become idiot savants in an increasingly wired world?

Those currently suffering from debilitating cases of Facebook-envy, social media-phobia, information-depression know what I’m talking about.   Can anyone possibly survive the future without a 24 hour a day, two-way intravenous feed into the matrix? Which side of the digital divide do YOU want to be on?

I’ve made up my mind.  Hopped a ride on the e-train.   My  Agent Avatar is  enrolled at the New Anthony School of Holo-Real Estate right now.  Since most of my clients don’t bother to look at property anymore, except online, there’s a new software program that allows me to accompany people on their virtual drive-bys.   A new joy stick application lets me synch up and walk through all the rooms with them. Since I never leave their sides while they are virtually touring, my brand just  gets stronger.  My logo is tatooed on their retinas. My face becomes wallpaper on their desktops.

As a sideline, while going to school,  I’ve also started selling virtual product placement in all of my own listings. Quite a lucrative little revenue generator I might add.  Crate and Barrel has signed a long-term contract.  I’m negotiating deals with Wolf Range and an up and coming Chinese Granite importer.  My virtual stager will make sure all these products are prominently displayed in every single listing I put on my website.

I’m a little concerned though.  I recently got an e mail from the Politically Correct e- Police threatening a viral boycott of my site  if I don’t stop using product images created in 3rd world graphic sweatshops.

My favorite new IPAD App?  BOTTOM FEEDER.  You can drive down any residential street in America and instantly see who is behind on their mortgage payments.  My favorite new gadget?  Gucci 3D Virtual Tour Sunglasses. They take the glare off computer screens and get rid of the goofy fisheye lens effect most online tour products project. Plus they look cool.

There’s also a revolution in data mining happening as we speak.  Soon we’ll all be able to automatically tell in advance who is headed for divorce, bankruptcy, job loss or any other home-threatening event.  An instantaneous drip marketing program will kick into gear and start to farm all these pending life transitions.

ButŠbest of allŠI have applied for my Virtual Broker’s license. The first of its kind. Rather than using virtual methodologies to sell real property, I’ll be breaking new ground – using real methods to sell virtual property.  I’ve already got a virtual space station under contract, a planetary system in the Tadpole Galaxy listed  and three thousand acres in Farmville coming up.  Well-heeled computer junkies around the world are waiting in line!

Share

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s