SPAM NEVER SLEEPS!

Something about the story in Thursday’s paper sounded familiar. A self-reflexive wave of resonance rippled through my psyche.  I had to laugh.  The world keeps reinventing itself – in exactly the same way.

See if I got this straight…. A giant luxury liner on the open ocean. A small city of people  on board for a seven day (or three hour ) cruise. An unexpected chain of events leaves them dead in the water. Stabilizers gone.  Rocking and rolling side to side in perfect pitch to the perfect storm of events.

Not the happy-go-lucky, love boat, love-fest folks signed on for.  No air conditioning. No working toilets.  No Kathy Lee.  Just interminable games of shuffle board and gin rummy.

But no worries.  Rescue is underway.  They’re turning that big ship around. Towing it back to shore.  Policy-makers are vowing full restitution. Offering free tickets on a future cruise. Most importantly, they’ve helicoptered in thousands of pounds of spam to feed the unwashed masses.

The moral of the story?  When all else fails….there’s always spam. When the going gets tough? The tough get spamming.  Those that can – do. Those that can’t? You guessed it.  They spam.

So whether it’s the Carnival Cruise line,  the USS Minnow or the next upside down, underwater installment of the Poseidon Adventure that is real estate circa 2010….here we are – packed  into the deserted aisles of the marketplace. In the absence of anything close to the real sale-ing we thought we’d be doing when we first started out, looks like we’re going to be dining on spam for a while.

The longer I sit, waiting for good dough to show, the larger the diet of canned spam gets.  A never-ending buffet streaming my way 24/7.   Money really does sleep. It’s spam that doesn’t.

Long ago we made things. Then we morphed into buying things others made. Now, we’re that great hub of virtual industry built on  “selling our sell” to anyone who may or may not even be remotely interested in listening.  Check it out. That’s what all my Facebook , Twitter, and LinkedIn friends, followers and contacts say on their social media pages.

So what does real estate spam look like when you take the lid off?  We’ll let’s just fire up the computer and see what the smorgasbord of mystery meat looks like in today’s in-box:

There’s a Jiffy Lube Franchise for sale in Boca Raton!  I can Maximize My Exposure with Smarter Agent!   Learn the 5 Must-Do Things that Top Producers Already Know! There’s a Gourmet Fruit Basket – a house-warming gift for satisfied clients!  A thousand Personalized Refrigerator Magnets to hand out to new ones.  I can make $67,000 in Six Months Doing Short Sales!  Or test drive a Certified Distressed Property Expert  (CDPE) Training Course!  There’s a Secret Market that Sizzles! An opportunity to become a Forensic Loan Auditor!  Another that will Double My Sphere of Influence!  I can earn Outrageous Commissions from REO’s ! Join a Discount Brokerage where there is No Split! Maybe it really is time to Jump Start My Marketing and Qualify for Unlimited Buyer Leads in my area!

But wait a minute…Mortgage Fraud is an Epidemic.  And the NAR has issued a Warning about Short Sale Legal Issues.  And apparently it is tough to Crack the FHA Appraisal Code,  Are they really doing Live Home Auctions on Television?  And I’m not sure I need any of those Black Friday Specials.  And what is Skip Tracing vs Cyber-Tracing?  I don’t think I want to Understand UCC Article 9.  Or Throw Money Out the Window. And Redfin is claiming that our Bay Area Market is a Twilight Zone!

Man, it’s only 9:30am and I’m exhausted . I feel like Gilligan running aimlessly through the coconuts without a compass.  This is harder than real work.  I think I’m going to rename this Perfect Storm the “Perfect Maelstrom.” That’s kind of like a storm on steroids  with a lot more whirlpool action  whipping it up into an incomprehensible frenzy.

The trouble with maelstroms is, you can’t tell whether they will eventually come full circle and pass. Or whether they will just spiral around under the weight of their own gravity and  head further down the drain.  In the meantime…stay hungry my friends.

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