There I was driving home from the office on Highway 1, the other night ruminating about the future of real estate, when I came to a grinding halt in bumper to bumper traffic. As I sat unmoving and frustrated, I realized I was sitting right in front of the electronic Caltans billboard near 41st Avenue. Glancing up. I noticed strange flashing lights and what appeared to be a string of random words running across the electronic screen.
Suddenly my cell phone rang and an eerie mechanical voice on the other end said: “Pay attention and write.” I was so shocked I grabbed my laptop and for the next three hours a series of messages channeled through the traffic board as I feverishly tried to keep up with my meager typing skills.
What follows is only a small part of all I was shown and told. Predictions for the future? Real estate for the coming year – courtesy of some Century 23 Agent traveling back in time? Who knows? Fact or fantasy….you be the judge. I’m just the instrument of some higher power with a heck of a cell phone bill .
– An exhaustive study tracking homes sold in 2005 with subprime loans and resold 5 years later as bank-owned properties will be published under the title of Garbage In Garbage Out.
– “Housing Bubble” Gum will become the new “Pet Rock” of 2010.
– A local Real Estate Agent will rise to the top of the fashion world with his Armani Hazmat Suit – high couture that protects against daily exposure to the standard household threats of formaldehyde, radon gas & lead-based paint.
– Mass demonstrations of seemingly random St. Vitus dancing will be traced to the hallucinogenic effects of a new strain of toxic mold found growing in the glut of vacant foreclosures across the country.
– Organic Sellers will attempt to secede from the market by forming a separate MLS where bank-owned properties are prevented from being listed for sale.
– Disenchanted Appraisers unhappy with new HVCC legislation will quit the business and flock to an evangelical end of days cult called Appraise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.
– New legislation attempting to slow the mounting tide of foreclosures will require troubled properties to first be labeled Afault, Befault and Cefault before being allowed to go to Default.
– In November a local real estate agent will give birth to a 14 pound escrow file and be prominently pictured on the cover of the National Enquirer.
– A local psychiatrist turned real estate agent will lose both of his licenses after he is discovered marketing pre-pre-pre-foreclosure properties on Craigslist using confidential client information.
– As the shadow inventory of homes held off market by the nation’s largest banks grows to record numbers Foreclosures will be re-named Noclosures.
– Scientists studying Real Estate Buyers and Sellers will identify a new psychological syndrome called Intention Deficit Disorder (IDD)
– In June, a radical cult of new age economists will flock to Sedona, Arizona to celebrate the advent of the Un-harmonic Convergence, otherwise known as deflation.
– New Fair Housing laws will require Short Sales to be called Chronologically-Challenged Sales in all real estate advertising
– Local Real Estate experts will issue a forecast guaranteeing that the market will be much better in 2010. When pressed for specifics a terse one page explanation will be issued explaining that better really means “less bad.”
In a related story, a record number of homeowners will burn their mortgages and declare their freedom in a series of celebrations reminiscent of the “tea party” phenomenon of 2009. Freedom will be identified as “just another word for nothing left to lose.